Good men get less sex?

According to the article Egalitarianism, Housework, and Sexual Frequency in Marriage authored by Sabino Kornrich,Julie Brines and Katrina Leupp, men who help out in the home get less sex.

            "Our findings suggest the importance of socialized gender roles for sexual frequency in heterosexual marriage," said lead author Sabino Kornrich, of the Center for Advanced Studies at the Juan March Institute in Madrid.

            "Couples in which men participate more in housework typically done by women report having sex less frequently. Similarly, couples in which men participate more in traditionally masculine tasks -- such as yard work, paying bills, and auto maintenance -- report higher sexual frequency."

I am sure the people who did  the research used a ‘scientific method’ of some sort, but I think the assertion that  men who help out with housework get less sex is utter rubbish and my reasons for dismissing the research with the contempt it deserves are as follows:

·         Most of the research data was supplied by the men who were subjects of the research and one thing I know about men in general is that they lie. The so-called ‘manly’ men are even worse at lying about their conquests and achievements. A man who does not do what are regarded as womanly chores regards himself superior not only to women but to other men: So when asked how much action he is getting, such a man exaggerates upwards. It is said that a woman who has slept with nine men will say she has slept with three, but a man who has slept with three women will say he has slept with nine.

·         The research does not talk of the quality of the sex: Are the brutes that refuse to help out their obviously overburdened women perhaps demanding sex? Are we perhaps misleading ourselves by just talking of more sex and not investigating the possibility that much of the touted ‘more sex’ refers to rough episodes that leave the women feeling used and violated?

·         Women’s sexuality is directly linked to their emotionality. To women, sex is an act of love and a woman wants to have sex with a man she loves and when she feels good about herself. In the modern world we live in, where there are no manly chores for men to do, one of the ways of showing a woman that you care about her is to help out with the household chores. I wonder which part of the jungle the research that came to the conclusion that men who help with housework get less sex was done. The reality of the modern world is that if you help out your woman she will know you care and that becomes part of the foreplay process and when you get to the bedroom – fireworks!

·         If a man helps out with housework, the couple becomes closer on many levels and this opens up communication channels, including communication about sexual matters. There is something about the traditional gender roles that does not liberate women and this leads a frigid sex life and reality on the ground is actually the opposite of what the article Egalitarianism, Housework, and Sexual Frequency in Marriage says.

I can dare say men who help their women with housework or with the chores that are traditionally the preserve of women get more sex and the plus to that is that it’s actually quality sex. It is tempting to just focus on frequency of sex, but looking at both the frequency and the quality of the sex makes more sense. The biggest issue when it comes to sex is that women generally don’t achieve orgasm and this can be attributed to the fact that most men don’t take their time when having sex. But the major contributor to lack of female orgasm is that women will not be mentally ready for sex when the sexual act happens. Men should therefore make sure that women’s minds are at ease when the time to have sex comes. One way of achieving this is by helping out with the housework. So, I disagree with the assertion that men who help with house get less sex: The opposite is true.

Sexuality doesn't have common sense

I recently read a story online about a boy in Bulawayo's Pumula South suburb in Zimbabwe who was in court for raping his stepmother. His father and stepmother eventually retracted their initial statements about the rape and the boy was acquitted. Reading between the lines I realized there was never rape to begin with: The boy was having an affair with his stepmother and when they were caught by the boy’s aunt, the stepmother cried rape and her husband foolishly believed her.

            It is claimed the boy whose age is given as 17 raped his stepmother over a period of two years. Ha ha ha. The story says the stepmother is nine years older than the boy; which means she is 26 years old. Did the stupid man actually believe his 17 year old son was raping his 26 year old wife for two years? What was the boy’s father thinking when he left his house to go and stand before a police officer to tell such a ridiculous story? A question kept bothering me as I was reading the story: Did the boy’s father expect a 26 year old woman to be mother to a 17 year old boy? As he was away in South Africa for many months, it never occurred to him that his wife might cheat on him with his son? If it never occurred to him, then he is not much of a man.

A combination of poverty and naivety has made us forget one fundamental truth: Sexuality does not have common sense: If you give a man and a woman an opportunity to screw each other, they will do so.

            Men and women will always be sexually attracted to each other and measures should be put in place to avoid a lot of sexual scandals that are in our midst. We all know that boys and girls should not sleep in the same room even if they are blood brothers and sisters. Basic common sense tells us that if brothers and sisters sleep in the same room, the fact that they are related will be pushed to the periphery as sexuality takes over. This simple truth should be applied to all female and male interactions. Because of urbanization, rural to urban migration and an acute shortage of accommodation, Africans have pulled down safeguards that had been put in place by our forefathers.

            Our forefathers knew that the boys’ room was constructed well away from the girls’ room. Each woman within the homestead had her own stand-alone hut and no one besides her husband ever saw her nakedness unless she decided to be naughty and allowed another to sneak into her hut. We should realise that a man is a man and a woman is man before they become anything else and men and women have a primitive instinct to screw each other and this will always be a fact of nature. Obstacles should be put in the way of men and women trying to screw each if we don’t want problems and the obstacles should be drastic. Let me illustrate my thesis with some scenarios:

·         If a married man’s brother visits for a few days or weeks or months and before he has left, the married man has to travel out of town and consequently leave his wife with his brother, what’s supposed to happen? My thinking is that the brother should cut short his visit or some other obstacle should be created so that the wife and her husband’s brother won’t be left alone and therefore be tempted to screw each other. Drastic, yes, but essential.

·         A married couple stays with the wife’s young sister and the wife is a rural school teacher and only comes home over the weekends: Does the wife leave her young sister in charge of her husband’s welfare? I don’t think so.

·         If women are always going to a pastor’s office to request for ‘prayers’, what is the appropriate thing for him to do? Tell the church women never to come alone or perhaps have his wife present as he ‘prays’ for the women?

There are a lot of situations we can think of that put men and women in positions that might force them to give in to their instinctive urge to screw each other. There are a lot of people who might want to throw the issue of trust at my thesis, but the fact remains that men and women should not be given room to screw each other. We all know that trust is an illusion and the fact that you trust someone does not stop them from screwing another person.

            We are so desperate to believe that humans are not as depraved as they actually are; we have chosen to bury our heads in the sand and allow things to go very wrong. It takes a village to prevent scandals. 

10 Commandments to (Single) Women by Myne Whitman

1. Don’t be in a hurry to move out of your parents’ house.
Depends. If you live and work in the same city as your parents, AND they respect you as an adult woman, it makes sense to live with them and save your money. If there are better job or study opportunities elsewhere or your parents keep treating you like a child at 30, then move. You can seek out flat mates that share your values if you're not comfortable living alone.

2. Don’t wait for a man before you start living. You can live a fulfilled life as a single woman.
She nails this one. I doubt this can be said often enough. As much as I am a romantic and believe firmly in marriage at the right time and to the right person, I agree that fulfillment lies in the individual, and so even when you're single, you can take joy and pride in your life and set goals that give you a sense of accomplishment along the way.

3. Stay away from alcohol. It has killed others and you are not special.
I was actually discussing this with Atala sometime ago as we saw some pictures of New Year's Eve celebrations in various cities around US and UK. People were lying on the streets, or stumbling and bumbling and getting arrested by police or assisted by Emergency services. What is it about alcohol? Please always drink responsibly, don't drink and drive, and as a lady, never drink to the extent that people take advantage of you.

4. Don’t entertain a wrong number call, especially at night. It’s not the right way to find a lover.
I laughed when I read this because just the other day, I shocked some people when I listed this as a way some young Nigerians connect. I'll only add that one should be careful with whoever they meet, build up your esteem and be less gullible to scammers. Truth is, love comes in different ways, and if all the couples in the world begin to narrate how they met, we'll be so amazed. Just over 10 years ago, some people were still saying how the internet was not the right way to find a partner; now eHarmony and match.com are proving them wrong and doing brisk business in the process.

5. Develop a healthy eating habit. Always take breakfast and avoid sweets.
Nothing to add: Your health is one of the few things you have control over that determines the quality of your life. Take care of your body and health and you will certainly enjoy life more.

6. Dress well: impression count. People will judge you by the way you dress even before they talk to you.
True. Always.

7. Don’t use sex as proof of love. Sex is no proof of love; he'll leave you after the sex.
I agree with the first part, and not so much with the second. Sex is definitely not a proof of love, but not all men will leave you after sex. Sex is usually a part of romantic relationships, but is not separate from other aspects of the people in the relationship, and how they feel about each other. If a man respects and likes you beyond your sexuality, he will be with you with or without sex, and before and after sex too. That is why many marriages last till death. And by the way, marriage is no proof of love either, some men leave also.

8. Don’t marry for the money; else you'll become one of his possessions.
Hey, marry for whatever reason you want; only make sure your man respects you. Some men treat their possessions better than some other men treat their so-called wives. Who has seen a man bash the windscreen on a Porsche, and yet some women face domestic violence daily. See, whatever you marry for, and that includes love, you will still have to work to make your marriage work. And for what it's worth, money makes love, romance and marriage easier and more enjoyable.

9. Add value to yourself - get a career. Don’t be fooled that a man will solve all your problems.
Thank you to whoever wrote this, and may the Nigerian god continue to bless their hustle!

10. Beauty is not everything. If it is all you have, you will lose your place to someone more beautiful, better matured and competent than you…
Beauty is definitely not everything, and though it can open doors, it also comes with its own baggage. Some other qualities like honesty, smarts, passion, and a heart of charity are even more important, and also, maturity and competence.

Original article: http://www.mynewhitmanwrites.com/2013/01/on-10-commandments-to-single-women.html

How do modern couples express love for each other?

How do modern couples express love for each other? Honestly, saying I love you hardly cuts it and besides, we tend to say I love you to a lot of people whom we are not romantically involved in and the use of words and phrases like sthandwa sami (my love), darling, sweetheart... is random and hardly reserved for the person we call our soul mate. Physical contact; kissing, hugging, holding hands… has increased amongst people who are not romantically involved and is no longer the preserve of that one, special person. So how do modern couples express love for each other? How do they show each other that they care?

            Traditionally, it was the exclusive duty of the woman to take care of the home and family whilst the man provided for the family. In washing, cooking...for the husband, the wife showed that she cared. And in making sure that the family is properly provided for, the man expressed his love for his wife. It was not really necessary for them to tell each other that they loved each other. It can be argued that what was happening between married couples back then was not love at all, but that’s a debate for another day.

With the advent of civilisation, the exclusive role of the man as the provider for the family has been taken away. In a number of cases, the woman has continued washing, cooking and so on for the husband and this way women have maintained their way of expressing their love for their husbands. Men have continued demanding that women push the ‘taking care’ of husband and family role and in many cases, unfairly so. What about the men? How now do they express their love for their wives if it is no longer their exclusive duty to provide for the family; to make sure that the rent is paid, the electricity and water bills are taken care of? At some point, flowers, chocolates and the likes become lame and anyway, how many men do that?

            In a proper modern setup, both husband and wife have fulltime jobs and the maid takes care of the household. Providing for the family is a shared responsibility and all that is left between the couples is the phrase I love you and the sex; we all know these are not exclusive to the one person we are romantically involved with. ‘Civilisation’ has thrown this out of the window.

            Gender roles served a bigger purpose than just the practicality of getting things done and as we move forward, we have to find practical ways of expressing love for each other in the absence of gender roles. Honestly, despite our outward expression of love and affection, there is huge emotional void inside of the modern man and woman and we become so desperate to fill this void we dabble in dangerous and destructive things. And we always find men and women going back to the basics: Married men sneaking into the maid’s room or running off with a seemingly lowlife girlfriend. We all have heard of married women sleeping with the gardener, chauffer or some other man.

            How do modern men and women express love for each other? I ask this question because even though I consider myself a modern man, I have come across too many situations where I am left wondering what is left for the husband or wife after love and affection has openly been expressed for other people. As a man you feel unappreciated and unloved when your wife tells you that your food is in the warmer as she busies herself with painting her fingernails. Instead of lashing out in anger, you remind yourself that you are a modern man. That is until you find a seemingly lowlife woman who is willing to wash your clothes, serve you your food whilst it’s still hot and make sure your change of clothes is ready even before you take a shower.

            The question still remains: How do modern couples express love for each other. The situation as it is at the moment is a one way road to too many divorces. We will hide behind facebook, twitter, whatsapp and so on, but it’s not a sustainable alternative. How do modern couples express love for each other?

Image - http://www.musefinds.com/AnAfroKinStore/AfricanAmericanArt/BlackRomanticPrints.html

Is the ‘small house’ all bad?

A friend of mine – a female friend, one day told a stunned group of colleagues that the ‘small house’ (a married man’s girlfriend), actually strengthens marriages, contrary to popular belief that ‘small houses’ are home wreckers. She gave three reasons for her conclusions:

            One: If a good man cheats, he compensates for his bad deed by treating his wife extremely well; a descending wife will realise that this is the time to put in all the requests and they will all be fulfilled. A lot of people will question why I am saying, if a good man cheats when almost everyone is agreed that a man who cheats on his wife is a bad man: The definition of a good man goes beyond whether he cheats or not and in most cases whether he cheats or not does not even factor into his qualification of good or bad. The cheating moments in a man’s life provides a stimulus that is needed to bring excitement and happiness to a marriage that had reached a boring patch. It is however important to note that the ‘cheating moment’ magic only works in the hands of ‘good men’; men who know that the wife always comes first and who make it clear to the small house that she will always be second best. Take a deep breath and read again; the theory is not as crazy as you think.

            Two: The small house teaches a married man how to love his wife and children. How is that so? In a bid to impress her man, the small house will make sure that he knows that she takes his family as seriously as he does by remembering birthdays, anniversaries and the occasional surprise chocolates and flowers: The majority of presents that go to the wife are chosen by small houses masquerading as secretaries, personal assistants...and the straight up small houses. A small house who understands her position as the small house will make sure that she reminds ‘her man’ that it is time to go home to the wife. Some even go to the extent of making sure school fees for the children is paid and that the man does not waste money on useless things before the family has been provided for. But again, this theory only works if the small house is in the hands of a good man.   

            Three: The small house does not carry the burdens of womanhood that the wife carries and usually has several sources of income that keep her reasonably ‘happy’. Because of this, the small is in a position to give ‘good sex’ and knows how to ‘listen’ to the man’s problems and issues. When he goes back to his wife, he is a refreshed man does who not bite her head off for the slightest ‘mistake’. The small house does not conform to the wifely burden of pretending to be a virgin whilst the likes of Mai Gunguwo are telling her that she should be a ‘prostitute’ for her husband. The small house will experiment with sexy clothing and dabble in all sorts of eroticism that will refresh the man and make him ready to face his wife with a smile.

            The three theories expounded above in trying to paint small houses with a bit of white have a lot of loopholes. One the biggest loopholes is that the small house will never fully accept that she is second best and she will always have dreams of replacing the wife. But we have to appreciate that the issue of small houses is very complex and in a lot of cases, small houses have brought happiness to marriages.

Is treating women like queens compatible with feminism?

Model - Ellen Mahlangu

I recently queried the compatibility of treating a woman like a queen and feminism. A friend remarked that the question might be an oxymoron: It is assumed that by fighting for equality, women should give up their advantages: This is a vindictive approach that poisons the whole struggle for emancipation of women. In a misguided show of bravado, feminists pretend as if they don’t care if a man doesn't compliment them on how they look. They pretend as if they don’t care if men go out of their way to spoil them.

            There are certain advantages women enjoy for no other reason but the fact that they are women. Does feminism strip women of being pampered; being treated like queens? I don’t think so. We have to carefully examine the question - Is treating women like queens compatible with feminism? There are two crucial, fixed facts about men and women that make it extremely important to question the concept of feminism in relation to the treating of women with kid gloves: Not in everything, but in matters of romance.

            The first one is that men’s attraction to women is visual; men react to and in the majority of cases are sexually aroused by what they see in women: Sexy legs, boobs, sexy eyes...This is a primitive instinct to procreate. Women on the other hand are attracted to strong men (using the broadest definition of strong). Women are also attracted to men who can offer stability or potential of stability. This is also a primitive instinct to procreate: A strong man is more likely to protect and provide for his family. I know that my layout of what attracts men to women and what attracts women to men leaves out a lot people, but the number of people who are covered by my layout is large enough for the purposes of my thesis.

            Why am I bringing up the primitive instinct to procreate in my attempt to answer the question – Is treating women like queens compatible with feminism? The instinctive desire of women to be sexy and the instinctive reaction of men towards this is not going away and we might as well deal with it. The idea of feminism being a fight for equality between men and women is a bit misleading in a big way; equality is not achievable. I rather prefer the definition of feminism that talks of gender fairness or gender justice. The talk of equality leads to the mentioning of stupid statements like, ‘Are those calling for equality going to give women balls and penises?’ I have heard a lot of men say, ‘Can a woman impregnate another woman?’ Stupid, yes, but it should be blamed on the ambiguous nature of the concept of equality. Let’s talk of gender fairness instead.

            Because of the fact women will always have an instinctive desire to be sexy and men will always react to this visually stimuli, men and women will always relate to each other in a way that makes it essential for men to treat women with a certain level of delicacy.

            We have established that men are attracted to and sexually aroused by the sexiness of women because of a primitive instinct to procreate. But modern day society does not really require a dozen children per couple. So what do we do with all the sexiness we are bombarded with every minute? A good start would be to have sexual intercourse at leisure, since we are not in a hurry to have babies and hopefully this will result in more women enjoying the rare occurrence called orgasm. And as for the instinctive attraction of women to strong men, there are no marauding lions or invading tribes to protect the women or children from, what are men supposed to do with all the extra ‘manly’ energy? Since men insist that they are physically superior to women, they should make sure that their women are not very tired at the end of the day by helping out with the household chores. It is this point that men object to vehemently, but it is part and parcel of treating your woman like a queen.

            The other fundamental difference between men and women is that women invest emotionally when it comes to romantic relationships. Whilst there are a lot of women who are claiming that they can handle one-night-stands just as well as men, we cannot run away from the fact that men and women are wired differently. So as much as women can compete with men when it comes to becoming CEOs and flying fighter jets, we can’t throw away the buying of flowers, romantic dinners, remembering anniversaries...in the name of equality.

            If men and women interpret feminism as absolute equality between the sexes, then after the ‘equality’ has been achieved, we will have a world full of women who are clutching emancipation in one hand and boxes of antidepressants in the other. The feminist cause is so fragmented because a lot of women don’t see themselves turning away from the very essence of womanhood; being appreciated for being sexy and being able to be emotional without restraint. These two things are buried deep in the genetic make-up of women and they are not going anywhere. Its high time both men and women realise that feminism that seeks to destroy the essence of womanhood will fail one way or the other. A woman can be allowed to be the best she can be and still be treated like a queen. So to the question – Is treating women like queens compatible with feminism? We should answer yes. The kind of feminism that recognises and respects the essence of womanhood is the best kind.

Of miniskirts and exposed tits

On my way to the shops the other day, I saw a lot of women (eight out of every ten or there abouts) wearing either see-through tops that revealed naked breasts or tops that showed that the breasts beneath were not in bras. The same women had towels or sarongs wrapped around naked lower bodies (I know this because the wind blew apart some of the sarongs and towels and the frantic efforts to cover nakedness were almost comic).

            A few are beginning to wonder why I am mentioning women’s nakedness: Are we not fighting these very confinements and stereotypes? Perhaps you will understand once I am done with my thesis. I digress a bit - A lot of people have tried to create a link between rape and how women dress and I think that’s a load of rubbish; rape has got nothing to do with how women dress. But rape, its causes and solutions is not my thesis here. My thesis is about how dressing and general behaviour affects things like marriage, long/short term relationships et cetera. A lot of people, especially women will question why I am mentioning their dressing in relation to marriage.

“If a man loves me, he will accept me as I am”, is a common retort these days. But I think it is important to examine these issues objectively instead of feminising ourselves into misery. I will begin with men and touch on women a little later in my thesis.

            I have met a lot of men who say, “All women are sluts, all of them without exception”. Whilst it almost borders on stupidity to vouch for human beings, I am pretty sure that no gender, tribe or race is made up of entirely bad beings. In response to the ‘all women are sluts’ statement, I have often said, “Maybe there is something wrong with where you fish and the kind of bait you use. If you fish in muddy waters using grasshoppers as bait, you will catch lots of catfish (mlamba/muramba). Whilst you will fill your fishing basket quickly, the basket won’t be full of quality fish. If you want to catch bream, you have to fish in clean waters using more respectable bait.” My analogy is self explanatory: A man who uses money, cheap pick-up lines and finds his women in nightclubs is not likely to find a good woman. Some sluts have been known to speak in tongues and belong to church choirs and some good women have been known to frequent the nightclub, but the law of probability, with all its flaws is all we have at the moment. Even if there is a good woman to be found in a nightclub, spending a thousand dollars on booze is surely not the way to find her. I now move onto the women part of my thesis, the part where I criticise nakedness in women who are still searching for a long term partner or marriage.

            I have often heard women say, “All men ever want from us is sex.” Whilst it is true that a lot of men only want sex from women, it is also safe to assume that a lot of men are looking for long-term relationships and marriage.  And being shabbily half naked is not one of the ways of attracting a serious man. A lot of women might react to this by saying, “If a man really loves me, he should love me for who I am blah blah blah”, but we should know life is one big acting charade and the sooner we realise this, the better.

            If your tits are hanging loose and a slight breeze exposes your panties, a man who sees you will automatically think of sex and when he approaches you, he will not say he just wants to have sex with you and he will not tell you, you look like a woman has slept with half the neighbourhood. He will profess undying love and you will only realise he was after a one night stand when you are staring at the phone and hoping it will ring. The ‘love me for who I am’ nonsense might be a sound empowerment concept but when we get down to the basics of life, it’s all a load of bullshit. Don’t we all dress-up for job interviews?

            So unless as a woman your need for men is for scratching of an occasional sexual itch, don’t walk around half naked. If you have to do it, at least do it with class and hopefully you will attract an enlightened man who will not think of taking you to the nearest hotel room on the first date? But this thing of going all the way to the shops with just a towel wrapped around your naked lower body and tits in full view of everyone will only attract losers who have placed a bet with their friends regards how many ‘bitches’ they can score. And no, you will not be able to tell who is serious and who has just gotten an erection from your exposed pubic area. Whilst it’s within women’s right to dress as they please, I am all for knowing what kind of fish you want to catch and using the right bait. That’s my thesis.

The Blow Job psychology

Image - mademan.com

Two weeks ago (that is mid January 2013) I was reading the advice column of a local weekly newspaper. One woman had written in with an interesting problem – maybe interesting is not the right word to use here; a problem can’t be interesting, can it?

She is married and one day her husband asked her to give him a Blow Job and she gave it to him. Since that day, all that has been happening in the bedroom is one-sided oral sex and they haven’t had vaginal sex in a long time. The columnist did not address the obvious underlying psychology of the situation: The man is using oral sex as a slavery tool.

On a physical level, oral sex cannot and will never be better than vaginal sex (I say vaginal sex fully aware that there are people who have anal sex, but I have never experienced it and I will therefore leave it out of my thesis). On a psychological level, however, oral sex can be way better than vaginal sex in the sense that deep (in some people not so deep) within us there is a sadistic being that takes pleasure in other people’s misery and submissiveness. Oral sex is used by many as a way of measuring how much another person is willing to bow down to us, to submit, to worship even - In most cases this is buried deep in the subconscious. If oral sex is not a two way street then it’s a shameless form of slavery that should not be done. If however, after sucking a man’s dick a woman is afforded the pleasure of having a man go down on her, then by all means – a couple should enjoy being each other’s slaves.

A certain woman (I forget her name) once summed up the psychology of a Blow Job so well: ‘Having a man between your legs tasting your privacy is an exercise in trust and about the closest you can get to heaven’.

In my opinion, asking for a Blow Job when you are fully aware that you can never return the favour is akin to rape. It is mainly men who ask for Blow Jobs knowing very well that they will never go down on the woman, knowing very well that the idea of going down on a woman disgusts them even. I remember one of my friends coming to us in shock: He couldn’t believe that his girlfriend expected him to kiss her after she had given him a Blow Job.

I know a lot of men who find the very thought of taking their women’s nipples into their mouths repulsive. If a person asks someone to do something that they themselves find disgusting or repulsive then the purpose is to subjugate, break and humiliate the other person. The question I leave women is: Do you enjoy giving a Blow Job even if you know he will never go down on you? To men I leave this question: What purpose does a Blow Job serve if you will never return the favour? Is there any other use of a Blow Job besides ‘owning’ a woman?

That’s my thesis.ow h

The Secretary General’s underage lover

The Democratic Party had travelled from Harare, the capital city of Zimbabwe to Bulawayo, the second largest city of Zimbabwe. Comparing the two, one could not believe that Bulawayo was the second largest city: It was painfully marginalised and it was the politicians’ playground. Nothing beats promising a disadvantaged people ‘development’ if you are a politician. The Democratic Party had ‘big news’ for Bulawayo: Cabinet had been ‘ordered’ to release US$5 million to thirty Bulawayo firms. Ha ha ha.

The Democratic Party was on a ‘whirlwind tour’ in preparation for the elections that had been called by the chairman of the ruling party. The Democratic Party often referred to the ruling party as the ‘former ruling party’. But the ruling party often laughed at this and their spokesperson would say:

“If we are not the ruling party, why is the opposition complaining about the soldiers and the policemen? Why are they saying we should make sure that the elections are free and fair? Isn’t it the ruling part that controls all that?”

The ruling party was feeling very confident about the forthcoming elections because the Democratic Party was being torn apart by scandals and infighting. A recent survey had shown that the Democratic Party was not as popular as it had been a few years back. The chairman of the ruling party was busy distributing farming inputs worth millions of dollars and the Democratic Party and some Cash Laden Organisations (CLOs) were questioning the source of the chairman’s funds.

“But you can’t question the chairman’s expenditure from the presidential suite of the Meikles hotel”, pointed out a few sane voices, “and besides, no one ever asked where the Secretary General of the Democratic Party got the half a million he gave to Lorrain Matibaya when he dumped her for that other woman.”

The Democratic Party officials were travelling in a convoy of twenty top of the range vehicles that included BMW X5s, Prados, Range Rovers...They had passed through all the towns and cities between Harare and Bulawayo and now they were travelling from Bulawayo to Mutare and they would sleep over at Nhandaro lodge at Nyika growth point, about halfway between Bulawayo and Mutare. There had been drunken sexual orgies along the way, but it was what happened at Nyika growth point that got the country talking.

            The owner of the lodge, a Mr Mdenda, was very happy the Secretary General of the Democratic Party and his party’s executive were sleeping over at his lodge: He had been given money to paint the lodge and to buy new beds and all the regular customers had been kicked out. The Secretary General and the party executive arrived at Nhandaro lodge at around three in the afternoon and immediately went to their rooms. They would hold a rally in the morning and then proceed to Mutare and onwards to Harare.

 The Secretary General’s driver gave Mr Mdenda a thick wad of money and put two fists to his chest. Mr Mdenda got the message very clearly and put some local boys to the task of finding girls for the Secretary General and members of the Democratic Party’s executive.

            Those who had seen the girl Tanaka said perhaps the Secretary General had every right to say he did not know the girl was underage. Even though she was fifteen, Tanaka looked like a twenty year old and had sexuality written all over her. She was a big girl, but not fat as such. She was gifted in the area of breasts and hips and she obviously had taken a lot of men between her legs: By the following morning, when the secretary general lay exhausted in bed, he had promised Tanaka a job in Harare and a house in one of the upmarket suburbs. That did not happen eventually.

            Before the Secretary General and his team got to Harare they were confronted by chilling news. They were in Rusape, on their way to Harare when they saw the newspaper headlines:

SG at it again!

Underage sex scandal for the SG.

Secretary General accused of rape.

“It’s the National Intelligence Service (NIS)”, moaned the Secretary General’s apologists.

“But didn’t the Secretary General have sex with an underage girl? Does it matter how the information got to the public?” enquired a few rational voices, to loud jeers from the Democratic Party supporters.

“But what the Secretary General does in his private life is his business”, reasoned the Democratic Party supporters.

“Including raping fifteen year old girls?” Quipped some excited ruling party supporters.

The whole thing died down a few days later when one of the newspapers aligned to the Secretary General of the Democratic Party published a copy of the girl’s birth certificate. According to the birth certificate, she was clearly seventeen. Those in the know whispered that the birth certificate was a fake and the girl’s family was now receiving a monthly stipend of five thousand dollars. But questions were now being asked regarding the Secretary General’s ability to run the country: He was fond of scandals and too interested in enriching himself and a few close allies. Just like the chairman of the ruling party. Should we change government in name only? An increasing number of people were now asking.

Rape is a socially constructed menace

Even though we have to accept that rape cases will always be amongst us since there will always be mad people in our midst, we have to realise that we can drastically reduce the rate of occurrences of rape. The majority of rape crimes are not committed by mentally disturbed people, but by people who have been socialised to think and behave in a certain way. It is this kind of thinking that encourages rape that we have to change in both men and women.

                I was shocked the other day to realise that the majority of Zimbabwean boys and men believe that a girl or woman who is a virgin will not lose that virginity willingly and therefore has to be raped. I thought that kind of thinking had disappeared sometime in the eighties or the nineties at the latest. I once witnessed a girl losing her virginity when I was a young boy. From whatever angle I try to approach it; I always come to the same conclusion: That girl was raped. She had willing gotten into the room, but she did not want to have sex because a lot of force was used and even as a young boy, I realised that the girl was traumatised after the act and refused to move from the crime scene. Her sister and her sister’s boyfriend had to beg her to go back home.

It seems the streets are full of boys, young men and old men who go around thinking women will not give up sex willing and therefore have to be raped. Perhaps we should get into the men’s heads that any kind of forced sexual intercourse is rape. Whilst we are at it, we should also get it into women’s heads that ‘playing hard to get’ does not belong in this century. Honestly, how can we get it into men’s heads that rape is rape if there are women who expect men to rape them in the name of being ‘real’ men?

            Another serious cause of rape is the patriarchy system that expects women to ‘respect’ all men. Isn’t it bad enough that African women are expected to ‘respect’ their husbands? On top of that, they have to ‘respect’ their father in law, the husband’s brothers and cousins and a whole busload of ‘relatives’. Why should a woman cook for, serve food to and wash for a houseful of men? What happens when some of them make sexual advances as they will inevitably do? She will keep quite like a ‘respectful’ wife in order to maintain ‘family peace’. And those sexual advances will become rape if she turns them down: One of the downsides of lobola payment perhaps? It is said a man does not marry a woman for himself, but for the family. If her husband’s brother has got dirty clothes, she washes them. That’s what a ‘proper woman’ does. It does not end there, unfortunately: A woman’s duties include sexual favours in the depraved minds of men.

            The most problematic cause of rape is the fact that women do not propose love to men. Since women do not propose love to men, they use all sorts of actions to show the men they are interested in that they are interested. As a result of this assertion, men are always on the lookout for these signs that women are supposed to give out to show that they are interested in a particular man. The tricky thing about this is that there is no clear distinction between a woman who is smiling because she just loves smiling and a woman who is smiling because she is interested in a man. There is no distinction between a woman who is showing her panties because her mama never taught her to sit properly and a woman who is showing her panties because she is saying ‘come fuck me’ to the man across the room.

            As civilised animals, we should drop all this nonsense about not communicating directly when it comes to matters of sex, otherwise we will have men raping women on a daily basis and not knowing that they are committing a serious crime. Conversations like:

“Can you come to my place tonight?” Man

“What do you want?” Woman

“There is something I want to show you.” Man

Such kind of conversations should come to an end. The man should just say he wants to fuck her and the woman should give a straight yes if she is interested. We need a serious adjustment to our thinking and behaviour if we are to fight the scourge of rape.